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| Not actual vampires. Arguably more dangerous. |
And here we reach the denouement; the chapter in which stuff happens. But don't start here... check the links below to go back to Chapter 1 and read from the beginning.
It was dumb fun writing this novella, and equally fun posting it here for you to read. Only two more chapters left.
As always --
Enjoy,
LLH
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
"The Demented Non-Life of Jefferson Davis"
By L.L. Heberlein
(copyright 2015, all rights reserved)
CHAPTER FIFTEEN:
I was smitten.
I know, I know. Wrong place to pick up a girl. Wrong time to get involved with anyone. But when is the right time, ever, for me?
Thea, she said her name was. Short for Agatha, but she refused to go by an old-lady name, she said. Turns out she had been alive once, same as me, and it was the demon that kept her alive, same as me. Her deal had been to save her family. Completely different than my deal, but that’s another story.
We slipped down the hall from Room One and went through the unmarked doorway at the end of the hallway. I hadn’t even noticed there was a door there. It looked like another panel in the wall, until Thea pushed it open. “Work here long enough, and you know how things work,” she said.
“In the mortuary?” I asked
“No,” she said. “Purgatory. We have walls and doors like this in our offices.” Makes sense.
I expected the room to be cold, clinical and stale, like something out of C.S.I. This room was cold, but not clinical. Instead it was completely covered in old wood paneling, with ornately carved drawers and edges. Columns of drawers lined the walls, each ornately decorated in carvings of gargoyles, miniature lions, or dragons with gold teeth. Each knob and handle shone bright golden in the low light. The whole room had an old-world glow.
“Ah,” Thea said. “The décor before the makeover. They must not have bothered to revamp this room, no pun intended.”
John wasn’t hard to find in the library-like room. His was the open drawer. There he was, lying face up and cold, looking pretty sharp for a dead man in his gray suit and pink shirt.
“Is that him?” Thea asked.
“Yes,” I said, approaching the body of my dead friend. I patted John on the chest, and felt the lump right where I’d left it. “Good. It’s still there.”
“Right where you left it, then?” she asked.
“Yep. Safe as houses.” I smiled at her. “Now, what did you say about coffee?”
We got ourselves a private dining room in the club-area of Purgatory and spent the next three hours together, sharing much more than a pot of coffee. The room was dark, secluded, and very comfortable, with large cushioned couches done in red velvet. The demon in me was thrilled. He had his coffee fix, and the girl, and the whole experience left both of us feeling very satisfied. I felt more alive than I had in a long time.
I finally noticed the time when my wristwatch – the last thing I had on – caught the light and flashed 12:58 a.m.
“Shit,” I said, jumping up from the couch. “We’re late.”
We got ready in record time. My nice haircut was sticking up in strange ways, and her lipstick was no longer existent, but otherwise we looked pretty good as we left the room and rushed back to the mortuary.
The staff in the lobby greeted us with a casual nod, with no indication they knew of our sneaking into the back. The girl with the tight pony tail directed us to Room Three. The room looked much like the first room, but with a different orientation and no coffin on the dais. We entered, and three people turned to look at us. Lucy was there, seated in the front row. She wore a lavender skirt suit that looked itchy and uncomfortable. She didn’t squirm though as she sat there, hands neatly folded in her lap. McGuffin, with what looked like a brief case in his lap, turned and gave me a knowing grin. He nodded down to the brief case, indicating without words that he had the money. Clara sat across the aisle from McGuffin, her arms crossed, and no brief case. She sneered at me and Thea as we sat down next to Lucy.
“Where’s the coffin?” Lucy asked. “Shouldn’t it be all set up by now.”
“I’m sure it’s fine,” Thea leaned across me and patted Lucy on her hands. “Just procedural stuff.”
Thea introduced herself, and Lucy smiled a bit. Her face looked red and drawn, like she’d just been through crying and was all cried out. Thea patted her hands again and offered her condolences. Lucy nodded, then gave me a look that said ‘Who the hell is this person?’.
I smirked. It may have been a while, but it wasn’t the first time I’d brought a strange girl along with me.
Lucy rolled her eyes. A door opened toward the front, and two tall, somber-looking fellows wheeled the coffin into the room. They lifted the large white box, no problem for two strapping young vampires, and placed it right between the white flower arrangements. Picture perfect.
Something was amiss, right away.
Within seconds of being placed, the coffin began to shake. I heard a knocking coming from inside, then a loud bang.
Lucy screamed, jumping to her feet.
I jumped up too and ran for the coffin. The lid flew open before I could reach it.
John sat up inside the coffin, his hands wrapped around the neck of Missur Von Clamp.
“Why I ought to…”
“Pleasssssse, sssssssssir,” the lizard said, choking on the words. “I wassssssss only trying to recover my property!”
“Oh no, you little shit.” John spat at the lizard. “Someone already knifed me once for this thing. I’m not going to let you have it, either.”
“John!” Lucy shouted, then fainted. Thea ran to her side.
I ran over to John and helped him subdue the lizard man, whose scrawny lizard arms were a lot stronger than you’d think.
“Nice to see you, Horesman,” I said to the animated corps. “Looking pretty good for a dead guy.”
“That means a lot, coming from an ugly old dead guy like you!” John smiled. I had the lizard’s arms pinned behind him. I lifted the little guy out of the coffin so John could climb out. His gray suit was shredded.
“Nice,” he said, looking down at himself. “This was my best suit! Hey, what did you give me, anyway?”
“It’sssss mine!” hissed the lizard.
“It is not, you little jerk,” I said, wrestling with the guy. “Uh, some help here? Maybe?”
Thea stood up from her perch over Lucy and helped me secure Missur Von Clamp. She took a yellow cord from her back pocket and slid it around his wrist. The mystical object did the job, and for the time being, the lizard wouldn’t be going anywhere. It was nice having help from someone who actually did security.
“Missur, you are going back in the dock!” Thea said. The lizard man hissed at her.
John, still clutching the side of his coffin, tried to take a step. His legs buckled under him.
“Easy there, big fella!” I said, grabbing him around the waist. “What’s going on with this reanimation bit? You’re not a vamp now, are you?”
John squinted and licked his lips. “I don’t think so. No fangs,” he said. “All I know is one moment, I’m bleeding my guts out, seeing lighted tunnels and hearing angels, and the next I’m waking up in a box. All I can figure is it has something to do with this.” He pulled the purple ashtray-like stone from his pocket.
The room gasped.
Everything happened at once. McGuffin yelled. Clara jumped up and flew across the room, fingers outstretched like claws. Lucy, still passed out on the floor, would have been trampled if I hadn’t jumped on top of her. I pulled her away just in time to see Clara slam into John, knocking both of them over with the coffin. McGuffin, still clutching the suitcase, eased his way toward the dais, careful not to get to close to the melee. Once I had Lucy safely slumped behind a row of chairs, I jumped up.
John still had the stone in his hand, but he was quickly losing his grip to Clara’s razor sharp nails.
“Hey!” he shouted. “I recognize that lipstick!” He reached out with his free hand and pulled off her sunglasses. “You sliced me up! You murdered me!”
Clara hissed, and sliced her other sharp-fingered hand into his stomach.
“Nu uh. Not gonna work this time. Already dead, see?” With that, John slammed his free fist into her face. Clara tumbled backward, still with a death grip on the hand with the stone.
I tore Clara away from John. Bits of flesh ripped from his skin, but he still was still holding the stone. She screamed, and then started to cry.
“But it’s mine!” she sobbed. “I need it!”
“But you don’t need it,” McGuffin said. “What could you ever want with it? It does nothing, my dear. Nothing!”
“It brought this man back to life!” Clara said. “It must be very powerful.”
“It isn’t the stone!” McGuffin reached for John’s hand. “Here, my good fellow. Give me the stone, and I will show you.”
“Don’t you dare,” I said to John. “You give him the stone, and he walks away with the hundred grand.”
“Did you say hundred grand?” John asked. “Hundred, as in a grand with two zeros behind it. One hundred thousand dollars!”
“Yep,” I said. “You hand it to him, and the money is toast.”
John put the stone back in his breast pocket. “Nothin’ doin’, old man. I hear there’s money involved.”
“Blast it,” McGuffin said. “You don’t need that stone. It doesn’t do what you think it does. It does nothing. Believe me, I’ve spent the past hundred years studying it. It is nothing more than a glorified rock.”
“Would make a lovely ashtray,” I said.
John smirked. “Then what am I doing alive? And why are all of you so goddamn interested in some shiny ashtray?”
“Does it matter?” McGuffin clicked open the brief case, revealing stacks of bills.
I salivated over the money. Salivated, and almost cried. “Don’t give it to him,” I said. “John, you’re alive again. If that stone’s keeping you that way, you can’t give it to him.”
“But it isn’t,” McGuffin said. “I assure you. Now, hand me the stone, which is my rightful property, and I shall hand you this briefcase full of money.”
John looked at me. I shrugged. John looked at the money, and nodded. “Okay,” he said.
“What?” I said
“No!” Clara screamed, struggling against my grip. Then I realized she was struggling. She shouldn’t have been. I’m strong, but I’m not vampire strong. I’m strong like the old lady who lifts the car off the trapped child. My muscles just don’t know when to stop. A vampire, though, should be all filled with supernatural powers. Strong beyond muscles. The fact that I could hold her down told me something.
Clara was faking. Faux vampire.
I stuck two fingers into her mouth and pulled. One fang held on tight, but the other one popped loose in my hand.
“Caps,” I said. “You’re not a real vampire, are you? I should have known from all the drama and hissing. Real vampires don’t hiss.”
Her mouth filled with blood and saliva. She spit both at me. “I will kill you for this!” she said, but it came out more like ahh weeel kiww you fooo disss.
“How do you fake a vampire?” I asked. I hadn’t expected an answer, but one walked in the door.
“Like this,” India said, walking across the room. She walked right up to Clara, and ripped the necklace off from around her neck.
Clara’s white skin filled with a rush of color. Her hair changed from ruby red to mousy brown. The power in her eyes melted away into something gray and human.
“She’s a witch,” India said.
“Shall we burn her?” I said with a laugh.
India raised an eyebrow. “We don’t do that these days, I hope.” She held the necklace up to the light, investigating it with careful eyes. She then wrapped her fingers around it, closed her eyes, and held it to her closed lips. “There’s something in here. Someone. Powerful vampire ju ju. She took a vampire’s powers for this. I’m not sure who.”
“Did it kill them?” said Schwartz – Eric. He strode into the room with his posse behind him, looking very official in his sharp black suit and pointed-toed shoes. His version of the haircut wasn’t a mess like mine. He won.
“Most definitely,” India said. “There would be nothing left of the creature but ashes.”
Eric nodded. “Then that’s two murderers I have you down for, Miss Clara. Or whatever your real name is. It’s your turn to talk to the council.”
Clara’s eyes shot wide. “But, I…”
“That’s how you did it.” John pointed a finger at her. “I knew it was you, but I couldn’t figure out how a vamp like you could kill me in broad daylight.”
“You recognize her?” Eric asked.
“Oh, yeah,” John said. “She sliced me up good. She rang the doorbell, which is odd, cuz most customers just walk in. Then she started slicing me up. Didn’t even ask me any questions.”
“Was this before or after the package arrive,” I asked.
“Right after,” John said. “This thing arrive, and the guy delivering it said it was real important. Said I should lock it away, and not let anyone know it was there until you came for it. I locked it in my desk, and then this vamp, or whatever, came ringing. She tore the whole place apart, and me with it. But she didn’t get the package.”
“Then why were you holding it when I found you?” I asked.
“I figured it would help you solve the mystery,” he said. “Whoever this crazy chick was, I figured you needed the package to help track her down.”
“Good thinking,” I said.
Eric and his posse took the would-be vampire away. The staff of the mortuary started picking things up, setting up chairs. John walked on wobbly legs over to Lucy, who was still out cold and snoring.
“Shouldn’t we get her some help?” John asked. “She’s been out for a long time.”
I looked around the room. I noticed Thea was gone. Probably off doing some underworld cop-stuff involving the lizard-man. India was still there, and so was Eric. The two of them took over. Someone came to help Lucy, who was just beginning to come around. They took her away and John started to follow. I wasn’t so sure the sight of him would be any help to Lucy’s scrambled brain right now, so I grabbed his shoulder and held him back.
“Hey there,” I said. “Let’s give her brain some time to recover, before she deals with this whole reanimation-thing.”
“I’m not sure I’ve fully dealt with it,” John said, sitting on the edge of the dais. He bent forward and rubbed his temples with his index fingers. “It just doesn’t seem right, ya know? I should be in this box here.”
McGuffin sighed. “May I remind you gentlemen that there’s a certain business arrangement that we must attend to. Namely, you giving me the stone, and me giving you one-hundred-thousand dollars.”
I shook my head. “Uh uh,” I said. “Nothing doing. John here needs the stone to live! That’s what’s keeping him alive!”
“And I tell you, it isn’t,” McGuffin said. “The stone is powerless. It does nothing.”
“Powerless my ass,” I said, gesturing toward my friend. “Look at what it did to John.”
John, still leaning forward, looked a little green, even for a dead guy. He shook his head. “It’s alright, Davis,” he said. “Doesn’t matter.”
“Doesn’t matter? What do you mean, doesn’t matter?” I asked.
“Doesn’t matter,” he said. “I’m giving McGuffin the stone. He’ll give you the money, and you give it to Lucy.”
“Um, how about no.” I said. “I know for a fact that Lucy would rather have you alive than have the money.”
“But, don’t you see? I should be dead,” he said. “That’s my fate. Not this creepy undead thing I’m living. I mean, what the hell am I, a zombie?”
“Technically speaking, I’d say you were more of a ghoul,” McGuffin offered.
“Shut it,” I said to McGuffin.
“Really, he has a point,” John said. “And, dammit, but I owe a lot of people a lot of money. I’m a deadman in any case! With this cash, they’ll leave Lucy alone, and you, and all will be well. I really am better off dead than alive.”
“No!” I said. “That’s ridiculous. That’s crazy zombie-guy talk!”
“You know, I think I always imagined it would be like this,” John said, stepping up onto the dais. “Somehow, I always knew I’d get to choose when to go, and how it was gonna go down. Feels kinda powerful.” He stepped into the coffin – his coffin – and sat down. “Nice choice of interiors, too. I think I can deal with decomposing in this thing. What do you think?”
“What do I think!” I yelled. “I think you’re nuts!”
“Well, hell. Maybe so. But it is my decision.” John took the stone out of his pocket again and extended it toward McGuffin. McGuffin went to grab it, and John yanked it back. “Not so fast. A little matter of the money, if I recall what you said? One-hundred-thousand dollars?”
McGuffin nodded. He set the briefcase on the coffin, right in front of John, and opened the lid. John inspected the money and nodded. Without a word, McGuffin closed the case, turned and handed it to me.
I couldn’t speak. I just sort-of shook my head.
“The deal is done, sir,” McGuffin said, turning back to John. “And now, the stone!”
John lay back in the coffin. He extended his arm out, holding the stone. McGuffin took it. John’s arm slid back inside the coffin.
There was silence. I held my breath, and looked inside.
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